Weblog
Monday, 28 April 2008
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Take-2
Has it really been 5 months since I've been here? Time flies.
So I'm engaged now. (crowd cheers for the happy couple)We've signed up for a new alt.com account together. That should be fun if we can find the right person/s to play with. He's straight, but curious, and as long as he knows I'm in control of the other person he should be fine. He doesn't say this, but I can read it in his eyes when we talk about it.
Neither of us likes to inflict pain on others, but we both enjoy our own versions of it. He doesn't want a Dom in the mix and I don't want a Domme near me, so we compromise as best we can. I don't mind switching, and I've been a little eager as of late to stretch my spanking hand, so to speak.
I will confess this. I want to test his boundaries with men, more than I want to have great sex. I fantasize about it. I want him to feel those butterflies in his tummy when he knows he's going to do something for the first time. The way I felt when I first kissed a girl. We trust each other, real trust, so I know I can take him as far as he can go.
When I first got into the alt way of sex I was truly surprised how many men out there are bi. I think it's lovely really.I suppose I'm not really sticking to one subject, my cohesion is off. There's a lot running around in the 'ol brain today.
Hopefully, this will be the first of a few entries for..... Naughty Blogging: Take 2
Friday, 30 November 2007
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Rape preferences
I've had two people bring up a comment I've made previously about being raped. I only mentioned it in passing, here's the paragraph it came from.
" The best attribute a person can pick up is tolerance. When you've been a submissive, a minority, a woman, raped, beaten, ignored, abused, and laughed at in your life it is easy to have tolerance for others since you can somehow, someway relate to them. That is why I don't understand those thirty or so people standing outside on a beautiful day trying to take away someone else's rights or change their beliefs. A little tolerance can go a long way. "
The first person had herself been raped and was delicately asking how I had coped with it. I feel for her. I remember after it had happened and I was finally home and safe how very alone I felt, like when you're close to death. The sorrow envelopes you and seeps from your bones making you heavy, but despite how you react to what has happened, anger, fear, or humilation, you feel absolutely alone in your pain.
I've been raped twice, it was only the first time that shocked my system. On the one hand I say, "I put myself in dangerous situations where I had no control." This is the practical side of me. The side that learns from mistakes and blames no one but myself.
On the other hand, I was 13 and he was twenty something. The child abusing bastard.
However, we don't go through life on our hands, so in my heart I know the rest of the story. I was no virgin when it happened, and I was no doubt, as crude as it may sound, a slut. I craved human contact and the fastest and most satisfying way to get it was through sex. I'm not the only one who does it, just honest with myself.
That particular man wanted something that made me uncomfortable and by the time I realized I was in physical danger and had the courage to say no I wasn't in the position to do anything about it. In my head I had two options, beg for mercy or bite down and bear it. I became passive under him and waited it out. What about fighting back you say? I didn't know the man, wasn't sure what he would have done if I could have gotten my hands free. And hey, I'm alive and here so I made the right choice for me.
For many years I was sexually passive with males, while with females and when I was alone with myself I experimented. I don't think it was "the penis" or someone being male that did that to me, I just felt more comfortable with people smaller than me. Any boyfriends I had at that time always were...smaller that is.
Time really does dull emotions and experiences, I have no residue from that time in my life except memories and lessons learned.
The second person that messaged me insinuated that my bdsm preferences had lead to the incident, even though that person knew nothing of the circumstances. It's so much fun being attenuated by a stranger*.
I've read from others and sometimes wonder myself if that first incident had triggered my darker sexual preferences. I dismiss it in the end for myself. Even though I don't have clear boundaries, how could I when I haven't tried everything...yet, I know when I don't like something and I stop. Being in serious danger does not turn me on and the dirtiest things I like don't seem to have any connection with the times I was raped.
My boyfriend is tall and powerful, that turns me on. I love being under him and feeling his energy. I also like feeling his hands around my throat and seeing his bite marks on me the next day. I also give as good as I get. I think that maybe my history opened up my mind to my first limits, but it doesn't really dictate my sexual tastes. I occasionally have rape fantasies, I think many women do. I just have certain rape preferences when I do. Such as no punching. Which by the way happens to be a limit of mine.
There was a domme once that said in a chat room that she became the way she was because of abuse and she never wanted to be out of control or under another man again. I prefer to confront my fears, but I understand the need to do whatever you have to in order to survive emotionally and mentally. Everyone is built differently.
Why do you think you have the sexual preferences you do?
What did you do in order to get over the fear?
How did you cope with what happened?
Leave a comment.*(attenuated by a stranger) Comes with the territory of blogging publicly online, but I'm still a smart ass. Just because society is a certain way doesn't mean it should be.
Monday, 26 November 2007
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Vicious Virus & Valiant Victors
Embarrassed, distraught, sick, and depressed since the 10th and let me share why.
I was suppose to start my period on the 10th. Well, the 10th came and went. On the 15th I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. But..... I was spotting and things weren't normal so I started stressing out. My boyfriend got a cold and I could feel it trying to catch me too. Friday, the 16th we got a cat, which we thought ran away on Saturday the 17th, plus I was getting a really bad pimple on my limp. On Sunday things hit a peak. The cat showed up but managed to jump five feet straight in the air onto the front of my budgies bird cage and pull it down on herself. The 'pimple' turned into some sort of clear blister on my upper lip, my period was still spotting on me and the damn cold had made it's new home in my nose.
It was time to take action.
I fixed the bird cage while my boyfriend vacuumed up seed. Then I went to WebMD* and found out I have Herpes simplex virus type 1, or what is commonly called cold sores*. This is where I became distraught, crying and rambling on about being tainted and diseased. I just have to say I have a wonderfully patient and understanding boyfriend. He calmed me down, made me read more about it and sent me off to the pharmacy.
I spent $35.81 on Abreva, another pregnancy test, cold medicine, and Airborne, then I locked myself in my bathroom for twenty minutes.
I am not pregnant and I have learned that three of the four major triggers for cold sores are menstruation, stress, and being sick with a cold or flu. I don't know how or even when I picked up the virus. I also didn't realize how truly common it is. Of course that doesn't make me feel any better.
I called in sick the entire week of Thanksgiving too embarrassed to go in with a huge red blister on my upper lip. My boyfriend said it didn't look nearly as bad as any of the pics online, but to me it felt like my entire face was riddled with disease and I wouldn't go anywhere.
I got crabs once when I was 14. Never have sex in a public pool, the chlorine doesn't kill everything in the water! This is the closest I've come to a sexually transmitted disease. What's so scary is 50-80% of Americans have HSV-1*. I've had sex with hundreds of men and women, hundreds I say. I've used condoms, but I've kissed most of these people during the encounters. Scary? Yes, yes it is.
I started my period Sunday night. The cat, named waffle, is staying away from my birds. I only have a little red spot on my lip now and have returned to work. Sniffles are gone. I've made an appointment with my doc, just in case.
I know I not only made things worse by freaking out, but might have even caused the damn outbreak because I was stressing in the first place. I'm usually a very calm person, but this has cut close to the bone of my greatest fear. All that sex, all those people. What if I caught something and don't know it. What if I passed it on or am passing something on to my boyfriend now. It's terrifying. It's also why I'm going to get tested when I go to see my doc. It never seems real until you have a blister on your face and memories of busted condoms.
I would hate to leave you without a fairy tale ending for our heroine. Alas, her knight proclaimed his love despite her hideous cold sore affliction. For showing courage in the face of contagious blisters and making her laugh through it all and holding her while she vainly cried our heroine has decided to get a six month account for World of Warcraft for x-mas for her knight so he may fight goblins and demons to his valiant heart's content.
I could spend the rest of my life with this wonderful man. Thank you P-bear.
WebMD http://www.webmd.com/default.htm
Cold Sores http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cold-sore/DS00358/DSECTION=1
Statistics http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/c/cold_sores/stats.htm
Thursday, 08 November 2007
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Instead
"Don't give me any crap.
You get one delayed message out of hundreds and after you never put yourself on the board right and won't make it any easier on us by getting an answering machine. You're going to come over here and interrupt my work to harass me? Find somebody else to pick on. I'm busy."
But instead I give her a dirty look that says it all with my eyes and say, "Sorry."
Damn good-natured heart and sweet disposition, sometimes you are my enemy.
Thursday, 25 October 2007
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JUST A REMINDER
Don't forget to change the rating filter above the profiles in the BLOGRINGS to see all the blogs posted. Usually mine are C or D.
ieAnaTheSoul
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- Name: Ana
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 9/18/2007
