Friday, 30 November 2007
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Rape preferences
I've had two people bring up a comment I've made previously about being raped. I only mentioned it in passing, here's the paragraph it came from.
" The best attribute a person can pick up is tolerance. When you've been a submissive, a minority, a woman, raped, beaten, ignored, abused, and laughed at in your life it is easy to have tolerance for others since you can somehow, someway relate to them. That is why I don't understand those thirty or so people standing outside on a beautiful day trying to take away someone else's rights or change their beliefs. A little tolerance can go a long way. "
The first person had herself been raped and was delicately asking how I had coped with it. I feel for her. I remember after it had happened and I was finally home and safe how very alone I felt, like when you're close to death. The sorrow envelopes you and seeps from your bones making you heavy, but despite how you react to what has happened, anger, fear, or humilation, you feel absolutely alone in your pain.
I've been raped twice, it was only the first time that shocked my system. On the one hand I say, "I put myself in dangerous situations where I had no control." This is the practical side of me. The side that learns from mistakes and blames no one but myself.
On the other hand, I was 13 and he was twenty something. The child abusing bastard.
However, we don't go through life on our hands, so in my heart I know the rest of the story. I was no virgin when it happened, and I was no doubt, as crude as it may sound, a slut. I craved human contact and the fastest and most satisfying way to get it was through sex. I'm not the only one who does it, just honest with myself.
That particular man wanted something that made me uncomfortable and by the time I realized I was in physical danger and had the courage to say no I wasn't in the position to do anything about it. In my head I had two options, beg for mercy or bite down and bear it. I became passive under him and waited it out. What about fighting back you say? I didn't know the man, wasn't sure what he would have done if I could have gotten my hands free. And hey, I'm alive and here so I made the right choice for me.
For many years I was sexually passive with males, while with females and when I was alone with myself I experimented. I don't think it was "the penis" or someone being male that did that to me, I just felt more comfortable with people smaller than me. Any boyfriends I had at that time always were...smaller that is.
Time really does dull emotions and experiences, I have no residue from that time in my life except memories and lessons learned.
The second person that messaged me insinuated that my bdsm preferences had lead to the incident, even though that person knew nothing of the circumstances. It's so much fun being attenuated by a stranger*.
I've read from others and sometimes wonder myself if that first incident had triggered my darker sexual preferences. I dismiss it in the end for myself. Even though I don't have clear boundaries, how could I when I haven't tried everything...yet, I know when I don't like something and I stop. Being in serious danger does not turn me on and the dirtiest things I like don't seem to have any connection with the times I was raped.
My boyfriend is tall and powerful, that turns me on. I love being under him and feeling his energy. I also like feeling his hands around my throat and seeing his bite marks on me the next day. I also give as good as I get. I think that maybe my history opened up my mind to my first limits, but it doesn't really dictate my sexual tastes. I occasionally have rape fantasies, I think many women do. I just have certain rape preferences when I do. Such as no punching. Which by the way happens to be a limit of mine.
There was a domme once that said in a chat room that she became the way she was because of abuse and she never wanted to be out of control or under another man again. I prefer to confront my fears, but I understand the need to do whatever you have to in order to survive emotionally and mentally. Everyone is built differently.
Why do you think you have the sexual preferences you do?
What did you do in order to get over the fear?
How did you cope with what happened?
Leave a comment.*(attenuated by a stranger) Comes with the territory of blogging publicly online, but I'm still a smart ass. Just because society is a certain way doesn't mean it should be.
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Comments (11)
Hmm... How did i get the preference to be a submissive?
i honestly am not sure. i know that i have never felt comfortable being in charge-- i've had management jobs and absolutely hated them.
i know that i am very much a people pleaser, and one of my greatest joys is seeing someone happy because of something i have done.
i know that i feel most comfortable with someone protecting me and telling me what to do. i like having a goal placed on me which when i complete someone is very pleased with me.
i also have in the past been a cutter, finding physical pain to be helpful when coping with stress and anguish. If something is really making me hurt inside, i want to hurt on the outside to cope.
all these things added up i guess make me into the sexual submissive / slave i am today.
i had a boy force his fingers into my cunt when i was 14... i really didn't want him to and it really upset me that he had. (i hadn't done anything sexual at that point). Later my bestfriend's boyfriend fucked me when i was passing out drunk. i never said no. Who knows if i would have said no if i hadn't been so out of it... i want to think i would have turned him down (because that incident made me lose that friend--and she had been the closest friend i'd ever had) but i don't know. i didn't as the scenario played out though. and that is my biggest regret in life; that i hadn't tried harder to prevent that from happening. it certainly wasn't a great story for how i lost my virginity...
i'm not sure if either qualify as any sort of rape, certainly the first incident was the closest to the definition. i suppose that helped form my sexual preference towards women though, and towards men who were weaklings.
my Master is the first man i've dated who is a strong, assertive/aggressive type guy. He is so loving and gentle though that His aggressive side is not scary though, it actually turns me on. i love Him so!
I think very few people have the fantasy story for losing their virginity. I popped my own cherry masturbating with a travel toothbrush holder, lol, and the first time with a guy was surreal and stupid.
I think both of your experiences would count as rape.
For the first time in my life I now have that feeling of protection also, it truly is a devine thing. It's nice to hear about people happy in their relationships.
Good question... I was abused when I was 9 years old and I became a submissive. My former Master got beaten up by his father almost every day when he was a kid and he became dominant. I guess it can go both ways...
rape , abuse of all sorts if you looked deeply into the DIS EASE be hind the SYMPTOM ( the abuse the rape ) you will find the incongurity of our human condition ..... hence my ideas about human instincts and www.instintualisml.org ........ rape is a sympton not the problem . and will continue untill such time that true ALTERNTIVES ARE EXPLORED
Well, this is interesting and I got to your site through a BDSM blog ring from the Xanga site of somebody who does not like me. I am not a sexual predator but I am afraid of being mixed up with one or mistaken for one, and I'm afraid of becoming the target of a witch hunt. In fact, I shut down a few of my other Xanga sites because I got into fights with people online on Xanga. There are a lot of cranks on this blog engine and on others, I was just looking at my old livejournal site that I hardly ever use, and I shut it down because I was disgusted by the snottiness of the comment that somebody posted on there.
I'm 49 years old, I'm a man, I'm married with children.
My partner is completely nilla.
Divorce is not a viable option; I'm basically trapped.
Life sucks, and I am envious of people who have more fun than I ever will.
At least my partner doesn't mind when I cuddle her sometime. I almost wish that I didn't have a sex drive at all. It would save me lots of trouble.
I think maybe Forwhomthebelsentolls doth protest too much. If I understand him correctly he thinks because of his sexual preferences people outside of the BDSM community might think badly of him.
You have to let that kind of stuff go, worry less, and don't do anything illegal and you'll be fine. Things change all the time.
My experience in blogging has taught me to not take the bad things people write personally. 9 time of out 10 it was miscommunication anyway. Same goes for marriages that are trashed, usually miscommunication.
As for the cuddling. I am always one for cuddling. I'm a cuddleholic. To go from one extreme (such as face smacking) to cuddling can be a delicious emotional rollercoaster. My favorite kind of cuddling includes a movie and popcorn, which sounds pretty vanilla. Which I'm fine with.
My sexual past definitely had an impact on my sexual decisions later in life, but it didn't have an effect on my sexual preferences/turn ons. I wonder why..
I had a very violent family life. Early on I only felt safe when I was hiding in a dark place. I later learned from my older bro that my parents participated in some pretty twisted stuff. I always tried to make things right; and felt it was my fault that they weren't. Maybe that's why I need to please, to the negation of myself. I'm not sure...I think that truly loving someone means loving that person as they ARE, not as who they are when they're controlled and in fear...
yet...I don't know how to live any other way. And I love my husband, no matter what. I will always love him and want to please him...it's only that he scares me.
i've been fortunate in that i've never experienced a rape or near-rape. i've had rape fantasies since childhood (yeah, weird, huh?) and have always been in very open, supportive vanilla or D/s relationships where my partner (man or woman) values me. somehow, through the 'normalcy' of it all, i am still rather OCD and control (as in never handing it over completely) is still a huge issue with me.
Wow, I relate so much to what you have said here. Thanks for your openess.
I have been submissive for as long as I can remember. When I was a small child (four years old) I tied myself to a chair so firmly that I couldn't escape until my parents found me and helped me out. Incidents like that crowded my childhood. I wasn't abused at that time, I was never hurt. I think I just was born that way.
I became conscious of my interest in BDSM when I was... 16? I spent the two years until I was legal researching, fantasizing, hardly able to wait. On the night of my 18th birthday I went to a play party for the first time.
That was where I met my abuser.
So, I was hurt because of my interest in BDSM. I didn't become interested because I was hurt, which seems to be sort of the opposite of some of the comments here. Incidentally, my submissive desires and rape fantasies have persisted even after what that bastard did to me. I wish I could have back that cock-sure 18 year old that I once was, bold enough to swagger onto the BDSM scene the first day she was legally able to do so. I'm sadder and wiser now.