I've had two people bring up a comment I've made previously about being raped. I only mentioned it in passing, here's the paragraph it came from.
" The best attribute a person can pick up is tolerance. When you've been a submissive, a minority, a woman, raped, beaten, ignored, abused, and laughed at in your life it is easy to have tolerance for others since you can somehow, someway relate to them. That is why I don't understand those thirty or so people standing outside on a beautiful day trying to take away someone else's rights or change their beliefs. A little tolerance can go a long way. "
The first person had herself been raped and was delicately asking how I had coped with it. I feel for her. I remember after it had happened and I was finally home and safe how very alone I felt, like when you're close to death. The sorrow envelopes you and seeps from your bones making you heavy, but despite how you react to what has happened, anger, fear, or humilation, you feel absolutely alone in your pain.
I've been raped twice, it was only the first time that shocked my system. On the one hand I say, "I put myself in dangerous situations where I had no control." This is the practical side of me. The side that learns from mistakes and blames no one but myself.
On the other hand, I was 13 and he was twenty something. The child abusing bastard.
However, we don't go through life on our hands, so in my heart I know the rest of the story. I was no virgin when it happened, and I was no doubt, as crude as it may sound, a slut. I craved human contact and the fastest and most satisfying way to get it was through sex. I'm not the only one who does it, just honest with myself.
That particular man wanted something that made me uncomfortable and by the time I realized I was in physical danger and had the courage to say no I wasn't in the position to do anything about it. In my head I had two options, beg for mercy or bite down and bear it. I became passive under him and waited it out. What about fighting back you say? I didn't know the man, wasn't sure what he would have done if I could have gotten my hands free. And hey, I'm alive and here so I made the right choice for me.
For many years I was sexually passive with males, while with females and when I was alone with myself I experimented. I don't think it was "the penis" or someone being male that did that to me, I just felt more comfortable with people smaller than me. Any boyfriends I had at that time always were...smaller that is.
Time really does dull emotions and experiences, I have no residue from that time in my life except memories and lessons learned.
The second person that messaged me insinuated that my bdsm preferences had lead to the incident, even though that person knew nothing of the circumstances. It's so much fun being attenuated by a stranger*.
I've read from others and sometimes wonder myself if that first incident had triggered my darker sexual preferences. I dismiss it in the end for myself. Even though I don't have clear boundaries, how could I when I haven't tried everything...yet, I know when I don't like something and I stop. Being in serious danger does not turn me on and the dirtiest things I like don't seem to have any connection with the times I was raped.
My boyfriend is tall and powerful, that turns me on. I love being under him and feeling his energy. I also like feeling his hands around my throat and seeing his bite marks on me the next day. I also give as good as I get. I think that maybe my history opened up my mind to my first limits, but it doesn't really dictate my sexual tastes. I occasionally have rape fantasies, I think many women do. I just have certain rape preferences when I do. Such as no punching. Which by the way happens to be a limit of mine.
There was a domme once that said in a chat room that she became the way she was because of abuse and she never wanted to be out of control or under another man again. I prefer to confront my fears, but I understand the need to do whatever you have to in order to survive emotionally and mentally. Everyone is built differently.
Why do you think you have the sexual preferences you do?
What did you do in order to get over the fear?
How did you cope with what happened?
Leave a comment.
*(attenuated by a stranger) Comes with the territory of blogging publicly online, but I'm still a smart ass. Just because society is a certain way doesn't mean it should be.
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